Aw, hey cutie
Happy Valentine's Day + situations + fave reads on love and relationships
I saw this post and saved it a while back, because it sums up what I believe to be the ideal of a relationship: getting better with someone, together.
I’m single (not married) today for a number of reasons—some obvious, others I’m working on.
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I’ve also written before about my previous relationships, but in a nutshell, my romantic history looks look this:
After college, I dated a guy for 3 years
Shortly after that, I met my husband. We were engaged after 5 months. We married 1 year later, on the day of our first date. We divorced three years later
I moved to London to be and live with someone who I really thought was my next husband. We were in a relationship for 2 years. Then I relocated to New York and we broke up shortly after
In New York, I met my most recent long-term partner. I was with him for 11 years. He had two wonderful children and we had about as close to a marriage as one could have without legal paperwork; the same legal paperwork that—without it—allowed for a swift and cheap ending, when compared to a divorce
There’s a Goldilocks theme happening here:
Inertia
Too much, too soon
Too little, too late
And I was half the problem.
But I also had a lot of fun (with equal parts gratitude and heartache?).
I’m also happy to say I’m working on clarifying what I want so that one day and soon, I can be aligned and in sync with someone who wants to operate on the same timeline as me.
Anyway, this past week, it goes without saying that I’ve read a ton of interesting commentary on the state of relationships and dating.
Because I couldn’t write it any better myself, here are some recommended readings:
First, Kelly Oxford’s post about the ridiculous patriarchal norms of women waiting for men to propose.
Particularly, these lines:
A woman can become a CEO, run for President, or travel to space. But she still has to wait for a man to decide if she gets to be a wife.
She'll be told she's too eager if she brings up marriage, too desperate if she wants a timeline, and too demanding if she has standards. She'll watch him prioritize his career, his personal growth, his mother's opinion – all while she waits. Then one day, after years of investing in his journey of "finding himself," she might watch him propose to his second wife within months of meeting her.
From prom to proposal to divorce, we've normalized a system where women perfect the art of waiting while men perfect the art of keeping them waiting.
Second, my pal Amanda Goetz recommends monthly check-ins with your partner to get aligned. She writes:
A healthy relationship requires two whole people showing up, doing the work, running side by side and moving forward.
But if only one person is doing the work (understanding their emotional triggers, traumas and needs) while the other person stays on the starting line...
eventually you will realize there is too much distance to catch up.
One person will need to run backward (highly unlikely)
or the other person will need to catch-up.
This is why it’s important my partner and I BOTH have therapists.
Sometimes there are things I need to work on, sometimes there are things he needs to work on and sometimes there are things WE need to work on.
The key is setting ourselves up to run the race together.
Relationships are never a “me vs. you” scenario.
It’s an us vs. the external thing that is affecting our relationship.
This mindset wins the race.
Steal her monthly check-in questions:
Start - Stop - Continue: This gives you a container for both positive and constructive feedback. If there is something that annoys you and it needs to be addressed, this is the vehicle to deliver that information.
List your 3 biggest needs from me this month and how can I fulfill them? This acknowledges the dynamics of your partner and a relationship. Perhaps work is feeling extra stressful or they are feeling motivated with a new side hustle.
Is there something I’ve done recently that hurt your feelings? It’s important to share the WHY it hurt your feelings as much as the WHAT so they can learn as much as they love you.
When did you feel the most love and connection this past month? Reflect on the little things that you both do to show love and care. It helps to acknowledge the other person’s actions and allows for a moment of gratitude.
Do you feel fulfilled sexually? How could we make our sex life even better? Whether you’ve been together 1 month, 1 year or 10 years, this is a question that should be asked. People change. Hormones change. Stay curious to stay intimate.
What are you dreaming about lately? Zoom out and dream together. Dreams for yourself. Dreams for the relationship. This allows you to create macro alignment and make sure everyone is on the same page (or at least the same book).
What date nights do we have coming up? Planning something gives you something to be excited about and looking forward to.
Lastly, there’s my good friend and longevity expert Billy Bosch who has the following advice about love’s link to longevity:
So, today, are you on the couch? Preparing to go out? Ordering in, or cooking?
Or, did you get ahead of everyone else and celebrated already? Awww sweet!
And if you’re not celebrating V-Day with anyone else, then please darling, celebrate yourself!
Celebrate your single-ness and solitude; cherish this “in-between” time where you’re improving and getting to know yourself, where you can watch the shows you want, eat what you want, and whenever you want, take as much couch or bed space as you need and even be a little messy if you want to be.
I’ll leave you with the ultimate tome on love, a little book you can pick up on Amazon:
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Until next time,
Shindy
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I loved this wonderful collection of wise words on love--and can vouch for the science that calls a toxic relationship a health risk. I also like the questions to ask in a monthly check-in, and may try them soon. Thank you for this!
I loved this!!!!!!