How to move overseas for love
But first ask yourself, 'what are you doing'
Have you ever relocated for someone?
Made an out-of-state move, crossed a country, or even a whole continent to be with the person you love?
I have.
And even if you haven’t, it’s not too different from moving in with a significant other, partner, or fiancé.
When I was in my mid-20’s, after breaking up with someone who practically freeloaded off of me (he was living in my house, driving without car insurance and living without health insurance, and oh yeah, there was that time he stole money from me too, lol 🤡) I vowed I would never live with another man again unless it was with someone serious, like engaged to be married serious.
Luckily for me, that’s what happened next, when I met my husband.
But then, we got divorced. Wah wah.
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So when my next partner, born and raised in London, PROPOSED that we live together in his house in London, I was flattered and excited.
To live with him in his beautiful big townhouse in comfortable north London, one of the most incredible cities in the world?
To be able to travel together all around Europe and beyond?!
Hell yeah, why not?!
I was finishing business school, and after graduation, I wanted to try working overseas.
Couldn’t be that hard, right? Right?
That lofty rule about not living with another man unless he was my fiancé/husband?
Yeah, that went straight out the window.
When I broke the news to one of my best girlfriends, she was excited for me.
But she was also concerned, natch.
Then she posed a question that knocked me from dreaming of tea and scones at Selfridges, straight back to reality.
What is he promising you?
In fact, Charlotte posed the same question to Carrie when she announced she was moving to Paris to be with Aleksandr Petrovsky.
Remember Miranda’s glare and the girls’ collective disapproval?
If those looks could be a tone, that’s what came through my friend’s voice over the phone.
“Well…” I stammered.
I hadn't really thought about it. D’oh.
I loved him, wasn’t that enough?
We’d spent exciting, action-packed weekends together in New York and other cities, but I assumed if he was asking me to live with him, then marriage might be in the cards?
Was I asking or telling myself?
Truth is, I had no idea.
I was the one who was making a huge sacrifice to up and move my whole life overseas.
But at the time, it made sense for me to do so, because I was the one with a clean slate in my career and freshly out of B-School.
Meanwhile, he was set up in his finance career and had lived in London his whole life.
And, he was his mother’s primary caregiver; she lived 5 minutes away by car.
So it made more sense for me to meet him halfway—er, there.
My mother said she’d miss me.
My sister-in-law warned, “You know this is it,” implying this is the guy you settle down with.
Turns out he wasn’t it, because just under 2 short years later I was back in New York, trying to secure a stable job and re-establish a career.
He and I were still together, but the long distance wasn’t helpful, and we eventually broke up.
Before business school, I had a successful and rewarding career in financial services.
People came to me for answers and solutions to complex financial scenarios.
I was a top sales producer and leader.
Being aimless, listless, and not hirable (during a financial crisis) was totally new territory. It was a major hit to my confidence and I was deeply humbled.
Eventually, I found my footing and that time of my life always serves as a reminder of my resilience.
But I also look back with incredulity and amusement; I can only laugh at the situation and not beat myself up.
How naive I was! Hahahaha!
Which is why I feel qualified to help you ask yourself the tough questions.
If you’re contemplating a relocation to be with your sweetie, then read on.
But first, what are you doing
What are you doing?
This is a loaded question, but the answer involves thinking about what you will be doing day in and day out as well as short and long term considerations for your relationship.
What are they promising you
What indeed, is the expectation or desired outcome of this cohabitation exercise?
Do you want to get married? Have children? Do you want to just cohabitate happily and share a home?
This discussion helps ensure both of you are clear about any desired future outcomes.
For example, if a person wants to get married and the other person expresses that they never want that, then the former may wish to move on, lest they naively believe they can change the latter.
Of course, such actions may spark deep considerations of whether you’re truly meant for each other, ultimatums, and possible changes of heart, but those are unique scenarios.
Implicit versus explicit arrangements can be harmful on your psyche, and you never want to accept generous offers only to reminded constantly of such offers, or worse, any odd strings attached.
Love, compassion, and clear communication are key, because keeping tabs is a downward slope to resentment on both sides.
What are the dynamics of the situation
Consider the following:
What’s the living dynamic? If you’re moving in with someone, is your partner taking care of the household? Otherwise, will you be expected to contribute, and if so, how much?
How will you spend your time and your days?
How will your partner support you emotionally and financially?
Are they open to you making a home and adding or changing things to their home to accommodate your new life together? Will you be able to live with each other long term after discovering their annoying chewing sounds, or their used dental floss strewn about, or [enter weird or gross habit here] around the house?
Regarding work and finances:
Do you have a job lined up? If not, how will you secure one?
How will finances or living expenses be arranged? If someone is substantially wealthier, how will this imbalance be addressed?
Will you start a company or pursue some other hobby or work?
In my case, my ex was financially stable.
Rich perhaps, but questionably wealthy.
I had no insights into his finances, except the time I lent him money, despite me working on a Bloomberg Television contract and him making big money and bonuses. (He paid me back though 🤷🏻♀️)
Who are your people
This is a big one.
By this I mean finding your own social circle and tribe in your new, strange land.
I was chatting recently with a fellow writer, and she mentioned how she’d invited her boyfriend to move to the west coast to be with her.
He did. But she said he never quite found his rhythm.
She had already been there for several years, so she had an existing social network of friends and work colleagues.
But he struggled. Eventually, he moved back.
This concept of finding your rhythm resonated with me; though it never crossed my mind before, this is exactly what needs to happen in order for two people to co-exist happily.
Moving in with someone already affects the major dynamics in a relationship.
If one person has a social network and the other doesn’t, then that will only add strain without an open conversation about it.
Building friend groups and professional relationships takes time; meeting new people can be difficult and in London, it can be particularly difficult because of what seem like impenetrable social networks and membership clubs.
In these scenarios the other partner must be patient, compassionate, encouraging, and supportive as their partner explores their own interests, hobbies, and goals as they find their new tribe.
Only as I left London did it feel like I was just beginning to build my own life and social circle, independent of his contacts.
He’d certainly and graciously introduced me to many people and his girlfriends, but I was mindful they were his associates, not mine.
Funnily enough, when we broke up not a single one of those girlfriends I’d been introduced to reached out to check on me—at least not until years later.
What about you?
Have you relocated for love?
What was your experience? I’d love to hear about it! Reply directly or comment below.
And…About last week’s newsletter
A lot of you resonated with last week’s “Rituals” issue about How I manage my money.
Turns out, this was a pretty popular topic and (unrelated) I was invited to speak about personal finance and accountability to a group of young people in the coming weeks.
This got me thinking about starting a new vertical called “Money,” and I’ll be writing it in addition to this weekly newsletter.
I have SO MUCH to share with the intent of helping people get clarity about how they handle and think about their money, and it will have considerations for self employed business founders, too.
So, stay tuned!
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Until next time,
Shindy
On Instagram + TikTok
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