Are there more than 5 love languages?
Is there a “hidden” or sixth love language to capture the je ne sais quoi of a long-lasting love connection?
Seems today, anything can be a love language.
But I have a hypothesis for what could be a missing sixth language.
What are the 5 love languages
By now, you’ve probably heard of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.”
If not, then this New York Times article does a good overview.
In short, humans have different “love languages” in how they express, give, and receive love.
Only after you identify and understand your partner’s love language, will you be able to achieve a successful and symbiotic relationship.
The languages are:
Acts of Service: Thoughtful acts like helping around the house, making morning tea or coffee, washing the car
Quality Time: Uninterrupted time and attention together, like dates and shared activities
Gifts: Tokens of affection, big or small
Physical Affection: Hand-holding, hugs, kissing, sex, and other physical intimacy
Words of Affirmation: Verbally articulating and reminding your feelings and intentions
Don’t know yours? Take the love languages quiz
If you don’t know your love language, then it’s helpful to take this official love language quiz to find out.
Here are my results:
My sixth love language: Consistency
I recently discovered, or rather, developed a hypothesis for what could be a missing sixth language: Consistency.
Consistency, to me, equals quality, reliability, and accountability.
It’s knowing what you're going to get from your partner time after time. You choose if you’re happy with what you’re getting, or leave if you’re not.
Even Dr. Chapman himself doesn’t think anyone’s found a sixth or missing love language, according to the aforementioned NYT article.
Okay, so even if consistency isn’t a love language on its own, then it could be the underlying x-factor that ties all of the languages together.
Because when you come to expect your partner to be a certain way, then that consistency feels good — until something changes.
Can you change your love language?
According to my quiz, I’m an “acts of service” person, but what happens if mine or my partner’s love language evolves?
Because that’s what human beings do, right? We evolve.
When I was in business school, we did an exercise where we discussed what makes a company’s product or service “quality.”
Most of the answers in the room echoed the idea that quality is knowing what you’re going to get each and every time.
You’re not going to be a repeat customer unless a second, third, or fourth experience continuously meets or exceeds expectations from the first time you tried that food or widget or clothing or beauty product.
The question was then raised whether McDonald's was a quality establishment.
Based on the criteria mentioned above, the answer is a resounding Yes, because you know exactly what you’re going to get when you order McDonald’s french fries from anywhere in the world.
If the formula or recipe changes, then Wendy’s fries may prove tastier.
So in a relationship, consistency means getting the same great and wonderful thing you love about your partner time and again without fail, no matter their secondary or tertiary love languages, and so on.
But unless two humans have the capacity to acknowledge and evolve from a primary love language (if the latter happens at all, because it may not, and that’s okay!) then that relationship may not survive.
For example, if you receive acts of service through the years, but in a completely uncharacteristic move, your partner switches to words, say out of fear or desire to preserve a relationship, can you adapt?
When two people are having incredible sex regularly, it may feel like it’s just a small reason for why you’re together. Until it’s no longer there, or a bigger issue arises. Then you find yourself in a sexless relationship or marriage and it can feel like the biggest void.
Human beings are simple yet complicated and sophisticated; just like we’re creatures of comfort, we can also be spontaneous and evolve.
Love is the same: it’s simple. But time, children, marriage, cohabitation, work, laws, taxes, money, distractions, and lifestyle make it complex.
It makes sense people can demonstrate their love differently over time.
But whether partners can adapt or commit to a new set of rules and consistency may be the biggest challenge of long lasting love.
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Until next time,
Shindy
On Instagram + TikTok
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