Welcome to my first newsletter of 2025!
Last week, I recuperated south of Asheville in western NC, and caught up on a lot of reading.
This was a welcome break after being on almost all of the holiday season.
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In December, I traveled to New York, celebrated my birthday, hosted a 20-ish person friends & family Christmas gathering, and attended family meals and functions.
By New Year’s Eve I was exhausted, so I spent a few days in a kitted-out mountain AirBnb, complete with a cold plunge, sauna, full gym, and outdoor fire pit.
I was happy to contribute to the local economy and small businesses there, which are mostly back after flooding from Hurricane Helene last September, though popular touristy areas like Chimney Rock remain impassable.
In between starting the second season of Squid Game, antiquing, thrifting, cooking, and playing games, I read.
And came across a very sad, disturbing, and unsettling article in the New York Times.
First published in August last year, the article likely resurfaced in my feeds because it was updated in December—about a family where the husband, buckling under pressure from owing upward of $30 million in unpaid loans and debt, ended his life by CO2 poisoning, rigged from his Porsche Carrera in the garage of the family’s house in the Hamptons.
Meanwhile, his wife and young kids were on a luxurious vacation in Italy.
The widow has since moved her family to Florida and paid back only a fraction of the debt.
His suicide note mentioned a $15 million insurance policy for them, but that obviously won’t cover everything he owes.
I don’t know them, but do have friends with houses in Water Mill, an exclusive Hamptons enclave.
I visited the Hamptons fairly regularly when I lived in New York; I’ve seen the whole scene of indescribable wealth, manicured lawns, and beautiful families dressed in perfect clothes.
It didn’t help that his widow made a hobby of posting about her lavish lifestyle to her 80K Instagram followers (the account was deactivated after he died).
In the Hamptons, things are so, so outwardly beautiful one has to strain hard to see the hairline cracks, er, weeds under those perfectly angular hedges.
They didn’t know(?)
I’m not here to judge or speculate but mainly to discuss a consistently alarming trend: The wife didn’t know (?). (About her husband’s mounting financial struggles.)
How much she knew remains under question.
One thing he did well, aside from leveraging his house for more debt, was keeping up appearances.
According to the article, the family continued to rent an almost $50K per month apartment in the city, on top of renting $180K in furniture.
I mean, I totally get renting furnished apartments out of convenience and flexibility, but renting high-end furniture when there are far easier and affordable options evokes a word du jour: delulu.
Even the UHNW and uber wealthy today get a kick out of wearing high-quality fake Birkins, and are quietly plundering Zara Home, Williams Sonoma, and Crate & Barrel, in lieu of B&B Italia, Ligne Roset, Liaigre, and others where orders take months to fill.
When the public wonders how much spouses and partners are complicit, it’s perhaps not so surprising they were kept in the dark.
Especially when the houses, cars, trips, and kids continue to be taken care of.
In some cases, it's almost easier for the other person to assume everything is fine.
After all, their partner is a pro at this; they’ve built a longtime career out of this; they made money from early success; they have family wealth…
I recall a MAX film and/or Netflix doc that depicted how Ruth Madoff was actually the bookkeeper in the early days of Bernie’s businesses.
But by the time he was arrested, I guess she was far removed from any involvement and was just focused on her interests and hobbies.
And what about the Bed Bath & Beyond CFO who died in 2022?
Did his wife, who was in the apartment when he leapt off the balcony, know he was facing a $1.2 billion “pump-and-dump” stock fraud lawsuit filed only two weeks earlier?
It’s not always men and I’m not here to bash them, but in these cases, these men chose themselves—instead of being accountable, facing shame, confronting pride and ego, and accepting a simpler lifestyle. The horror!
The trappings of wealth are a real mindfuck, and everyone suffers if the one person tasked with managing the household never makes it back to earth.
Sure, I enjoy nice things, but I also just tried a $1 box of hair colour. I know I’m a walking duality: a lil’ bougie, a lil’ budget.
And I, too, have been the silent partner
I recall my own relationships where I didn’t question the lifestyle.
I’ve dated men much wealthier than me—like anywhere from 100 to 200 times my net worth. Maybe more, maybe less? Who really knows?
I had a ballpark idea, but didn’t know their exact salaries.
I didn’t ask how they managed their money.
They treated me well when it came to providing a wonderful lifestyle.
And like these women, as long as the houses, travel, kids’ tuition, and other things were accounted for, I had no reason to dig.
But I’ll never be a financially mute partner again.
Because when you relinquish all visibility, responsibility, and accountability of your own or your family's finances to someone else, whether it’s your partner, spouse, attorney, or accountant, you are placing a heck of a lot of trust elsewhere that your personal wealth and legacy are being managed accordingly.
So, please, please, man or woman, I encourage you to communicate, question, ask, and discuss everything: trusts (revocable/irrevocable), wills, titles, deeds, lease agreements, retirement accounts, businesses, business holdings, and checking and savings accounts.
Most importantly, know where you stand among it all (including and especially for your children, if you have children).
If you run into resistance or stonewalling, before you jump to conclusions or suspicions, it may just be that your partner is uncomfortable and non-confrontational, or unable to discuss such matters diplomatically or at all.
You have a right to ask, so keep asking. If there’s pushback or impatience or defensiveness, then reassure them that they’re not questioning their abilities but you have a right to know.
If you continue to reach an impasse then seek help from advisors (including accountants and attorneys), and therapists or counselors to make sense of it all.
The best case scenario would be open dialogue and approaching and understanding finances as a team, but also knowing where you stand in the thick of it all.
I guarantee the families of these guys would much rather have them alive and at home than not.
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I’m rooting for your prosperity in 2025!
Here are some excellent resources:
Ramit Sethi: Money for Couples
Morgan Housel: The Psychology of Money
Anthony Robbins: Money: Master the Game
David Bach: The Automatic Millionaire
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Sending love to anyone impacted by the LA fires. Here are some ways to help.
Until next time,
Shindy
On Instagram + TikTok
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It’s so unbelievable couples live like this!
I’m so thankful that Ron and I communicate allllllllll the time about everything! I just cannot fathom not discussing/hiding finances as we’ve always been above board from the day we met and through over forty-five years of marriage with my soul twin.❤️❤️❤️
Living honestly certainly improves sleep, your health all the way around when living sans secrets, MAJOR stress which kills, and always having to look behind as you try to navigate a so-called life consumed w/ lies and deception. I’m sure millions live??? like this, but that’s not living.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND MR. BEAN!!!!!
WE MISS YOU BOTH!
MUCH LOVE ALWAYS.