"I choose you"
My tips on showing up, choosing your person, and what to watch for a Friday 13th x Valentine's crossover event
This past weekend, I attended a wedding in Miami.
It was the second for the bride and the first for the groom.
What struck me as particularly endearing were the couple’s vows; they read them out loud to each other, in front of everyone.
Depending on marriage customs and cultures, the couple doesn’t always get a chance to do this.
I’m pretty sure my parents didn’t write down or read their vows to each other during their ceremony…they were dutifully married in Taiwan, and just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year.
In 2016 I also had the chance to attend my cousin’s wedding in Taiwan.
The couple didn’t read their vows out loud either. Sadly, they’re separated now.
When my ex-husband and I got married in Denmark, we didn’t exchange vows at our wedding.
Then again, our entire ceremony was in Danish.
You can read more about my romantic history here:
I’m Shindy. I sold my financial content company and now I write this weekly Substack. I’m a journalist and bestselling author featured in Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, Business Insider, Bankrate, Cheddar TV, and HuffPost. If you haven’t yet and would like to join more than 6,480 people on the internet who follow my discerning lifestyle, travel, and money advice, then tap this button:
Languages aside, my friend’s ceremony got me thinking about how much love and marriage have evolved.
At least in the U.S., fewer people are getting married, if at all.
And those who do get married are doing so later in life.
The key theme that came from listening to their vows was this emphasis on choosing each other, every day and always.
If you’re in a relationship or married now, then how long has it been since you articulated this to your partner:
That you have chosen them. That they were chosen by you?
I know all about love languages, so perhaps there are other ways (acts of service, affection, quality time) to show your person you continue to choose them daily.
For everyone else, perhaps now more than ever, it seems you have to be even more articulate, even clearer about making that definite decision for whom you elect to spend your time and your life with.
Especially when everything else is jostling for your attention.
(Your phone is more than eager to distract or offer dating apps with an endless buffet of dubious candidates.)
Especially when both people already bring a lot to the table.
(You don’t need the other person per se; each has their own personal wealth, professional success, good looks, etc.)
That’s the beauty of our Western world and personal autonomy. We have free will.
But at some point, if we seek companionship, then as a baseline we have to like the other person, and more importantly be likeable ourselves.
Once we’ve chosen and made it clear to the other person, we can only hope they’re on the same timeline.
Then, we need to be at peace with our choice and our commitment.
It’s a lot easier said than done, but also I suppose when the fun and equally hard part begins — working and navigating life together.
In a world of distraction and consumption, it’s nice to be able to laser focus on a person or a thing and be certain about its certainty.
I love love. This couple put in more inner work than most, and that’s a great start.
I have high hopes and I’m rooting for them, and I think they’re going to be just fine.
This Valentine’s Day, as we ponder love, our statuses, and the commercial onslaught of the day, perhaps we can also reflect on some fun, impactful resources for every stage of love:
For those getting to know each other
The 36 Questions that Lead to Love
This iconic questionnaire in three parts is intended to help you really get to know someone, and vice versa.
(You can Google the full questionnaire if the article is paywalled for you.)
If you’re willing to complete it fully, then legend has it by the end (assuming you’re not weirded out by each others’ responses) you stare into each others’ eyes and you will indeed fall in love.
The questions range from silly and basic, to deep.
Here are examples:
Set 1, question 2: Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Set 1, question 4: What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
Set 2, question 13: If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Set 2, question 23: How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
Set 3, question 27: If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Set 3: question 34: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
4 questions to ask your future partner
For those building communication skills
If you’re married or in a relationship, then perhaps you’d like to refer to my pal Amanda Goetz’s monthly check-in which I included in a letter from last year.
You can also try this “TEAM” exercise again, by Codie Sanchez. You can tell I appreciate her thoughts on maintaining a strong marriage:
TEAM is:
T - Touch. Hold hands, sit next to each other. (Sidenote: When Codie and Chris are mad at each they jokingly barely touch fingertips like ET.)
E- Education. You each share one thing you learned that day. A fact. A hard truth. Whatever. It’s a chance for novelty and endorphins by expanding our brains.
A - Appreciation. You each share one thing you appreciate about the other. Could be how beautiful your partner looks or that they took out the trash. Only rules are points for creativity and you can’t keep using the same one.
M - Metrics. Here’s the tough part. Usually when you’re upset, you tell them in the moment. That gets naggy. With the check-in, you wait or write it down and bring it to this time. It means you don’t fight when elevated but always get to explain your point. Let cooler heads prevail and treasure this check-in.
For those trying to “change” the other person
Who, me? Never! Lol.
If you find yourself constantly trying to change, “help” or “improve” the other person, then it’s time to ask yourself, why? What’s your motive here?
This excellent article “How I Stopped Trying to Control My Partner and Took Responsibility for My Own Happiness” is all about about projecting and codependency.
I really enjoy Hailey Magee’s writing, and this had me doing a whole self-work inventory.
For those suffering from infidelity and broken trust
Esther Perel’s The State of Affairs is revelatory; what happens after an affair may not always be separation or breakdown, but can be a re-commitment for a stronger partnership if that’s what both partners still want.
My experience is that the offending party has to give a sincere apology, take accountability, and show why, or whether they care enough to prevent it from happening and hurting the other person again.
Meanwhile, the injured party needs to accept and forgive, or move on.
It’s really tiring to beat a dead horse.
For those figuring it out for themselves
If you’re unsure of why you are the way you are in relationships, perhaps a book like Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love can help you figure out whether you have an anxious, secure, or avoidant relationship style.
You can be more than one style, e.g., anxious-avoidant, and so on.
It’s not beyond me that today is Friday the 13th.
Love and horror are not mutually exclusive and the effects of love can be downright scary, gory, terrifying, awful, gut wrenching…need I go on?
To get in the mood for today’s Friday the 13th x Valentine’s crossover event, here are some excellent streaming picks:
Bride of Chucky, 1998
Audition (Japanese), 1999
Frankenstein, 2025
Nosferatu, 2024
Dracula, (the Gary Oldman one) 1992
Carrie, 1976
Misery, 1990
Warm Bodies, 2013
You (Netflix Series), 2018-2025
Together, 2025
Love is Blind, Netflix. Sorry but I consider most of the people on this dating show absolutely horrific
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Until next time,
Shindy
On Instagram + TikTok
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