How to stop being a flake
It's not your fault (but it kinda is)
Ever been guilty of saying you’ll be somewhere, only to find yourself feeling non-committal and filled with dread as the day quickly approaches?
And then, you back out and cancel your plans.
You’re not alone, but it also kinda sucks for the other party.
Why do we do this?
Why has it become so acceptable to just flake and cancel plans at the last minute?
I’ve been guilty of this too, but I swear it hasn’t happened often that I committed to being somewhere and then didn’t show up.
Okay, so I may have digitally RSVP’d Yes once to a housewarming party and then didn’t make it.
But I still feel bad about it today.
As a principle, I try to do what I say I’ll do.
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That goes for attending events and following through on actions like calling when I say I’ll call, or committing to writing a weekly newsletter, or saying I’ll connect two people to each other and following through on the introduction.
This character trait is even more important in your professional life, because it exemplifies your overall reliability, and whether people can count on you to get things done.
Apparently, technology is a key enabler to flaking out, because it’s way easier to text someone from afar that you’re not showing up, versus telling them over the phone or in person.
7 reasons why we flake on things
Forgetfulness - we genuinely forgot about it
Emergencies and logistical problems - weather, travel delays, or we simply can’t get there, e.g., a method of transport failed; babysitter canceled or didn’t show, and other last minute, unavoidable circumstances
Impulsiveness or FOMO - We were excited in the moment and didn’t want to miss out, but now we’re exhausted, disinterested, and can’t be bothered
Not wanting to let someone down - We want to avoid confrontation or feel bad about saying no
Priorities change - Something more important has come up
Overcommitment and disorganization - Saying yes to too many things; uncertainty over what’s going on in our calendar
We’re selfish - There’s being deservedly selfish, and then there’s being straight up inconsiderate; we back out not realizing how it will affect the other party
How to avoid flaking
So how do we avoid flaking?
To combat awkwardness, opt for clarity in communication.
Here are some phrases to try if you can’t accept an invite right away, or would rather not attend:
“No, I can’t make it”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to go”
“Unfortunately I think I have a conflict that day/weekend”
“I don’t think it will work”
If you’re not sure you’ll be able to show up, then avoid giving a verbal commitment, text, RSVP, or any digital confirmation including an emoji, that might confuse someone or give the slightest hint you’ll be present.
On the flip side, if an inviting party has manners, then they shouldn’t pry as to why you can’t attend something.
You don’t owe anyone additional details, unless you choose to offer why you can’t attend a function.
Here, assuming you’re a kind and decent person, use your best judgment.
“I’d rather not attend because I don’t like (your mother-in-law/kids/friends/dog/cat/city/where you live),” comes off rather terse.
Inform as early as possible
In any case, if you must cancel your plans then the best way to avoid looking like an asshole is to inform as early as possible.
You’ll also want to express gratitude for the invite and them thinking of you in the first place. To soften the blow, attempt to connect another time.
No man is an island and the world would be a pretty lonely place were it not for gatherings and togetherness to combat depression.
For example, you could say:
“Turns out I can’t make the party next weekend after all. I’ll still be out of town. Thank you so much for the invite. Let’s connect when I’m back in town!”
“I just found out that we are hosting my mother-in-law next Friday, so I won’t be able to go to dinner after all. Let’s reschedule?”
Of course, tread lightly; depending on what you committed to, the spectrum ranges of you needing to be there ranges from people were counting on you to you were one of many in attendance.
Consider how your decision may impact the outcome of the other party’s event or plans.
Avoid excuses, blaming, and lying
I once dated a guy who would make up excuses and lie to his friends when they would ask him to do things he didn’t want to do.
He even tried to make me lie on his behalf to say we would be in another city, or have a conflict during this time.
Don’t do this; you’ll eventually lose track of what you said to the other person.
Blaming work for backing out also wears thin quickly.
Instead, consider why you’re letting your work interfere with priorities, or how you can organize your schedule better.
Flaking or reneging enough times may just eventually stop future invitations from coming.
When it’s okay to back out
There are instances of course when it’s okay to back out of an event.
I think this includes when things change too much, such as:
Location and place changes
Time changes
Accommodation changes
The amount of money required
Health issues
No one likes goalposts moving, and if the changes will impact your overall enjoyment or effort, then it’s reasonable to cancel.
Any reasonable host should understand. They may not like it, but you’re not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
If you do follow through then congratulations on not being a flake! Simply showing up is sometimes the best gift.
Now, here are some tips on how to pull off the perfect exit.
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Until next time,
Shindy
On Instagram + TikTok
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