How I respond to unsolicited advice
And 8 ways to say, “Thanks for your advice, but I’m good”
There’s a new song out called “Stop Giving Me Advice.” It features American rapper Jack Harlow and British rapper Dave.
Listen to it here:
Or watch the video, directed by Cole Bennett, which makes me nostalgic for being in (but not living in) London.
I’m not Jack Harlow’s #1 fan or anything, but this song resonates because the lyrics remind me of all the times I received unsolicited bad advice from people who had absolutely no fucking clue or concern about my position in life and what matters to me.
It’s a two-pronged attack of 1) getting advice you didn’t ask for, and 2) said advice being just plain bad.
Content entrepreneur | Agency Founder & CEO | Author | Featured in Forbes, Wall Street Journal, Business Insider, Cheddar TV, HuffPost | Join more than 2,500 people who follow Shindy for lifestyle and business advice:
It’s not their fault: While the person’s judgment has no bearing on your way of being or decision-making, for some reason it niggles at you.
Perhaps it’s because they knowingly or unknowingly can’t help but get a rise out of you, or because they arrogantly prescribe their beliefs and what they believe is best.
Unsolicited advice can originate from your parents, relatives, friends, colleagues, or even people you don’t know, say, a social media stranger who feels empowered and entitled by an unfiltered, ID-obscured internet.
Per the Social Q’s extraordinaire Philip Galanes:
Unsolicited opinions are the worst. They are usually about the red-hot needs of opinion spouters, not their recipients. And frequently they are infantilizing: ‘You are incompetent to walk this green earth until I tell you how.’
But today, let’s focus on conversations IRL.
How do you politely respond to people who give you unsolicited advice, without hurting their feelings?
Remember, the ultimate form of diplomacy is making others feel like they are heard and get their way, even though you maintain control.
After all, there’s no reason to be nasty or raise your voice, despite your rising internal anxiety, frustration, annoyance, and body temperature.
You can pause and take a deep breath in the nose and out the mouth.
And then you can do the following.
8 ways to respond to unsolicited advice
Here are 8 ways to respond gracefully to unsolicited advice.
I’ve listed them in order of emotional intensity 😏:
“I appreciate your point of view and will consider it, thanks!”
“Thanks! I’ll think about it.”
“Thanks! I’ll take it into consideration.”
“Thanks for your [advice/feedback/suggestion], but I’m happy with my choice.”
“I’m good with my choice, but thanks for your concern.”
“I think I’m going about it the best way I know how, but thanks for your input.”
“Remember that time I asked you about my [vegan diet/triathlon exercise regimen/offline dating successes]? Funny, me neither.”
“Thanks! I’m good for now. What else is new?”
What if the advice I asked for is bad? And keeps coming?
Even if you originally sought out advice, you can keep a clear head about how to proceed.
Last year, I spent a lot of time seeking and listening to advice.
This looked like me asking family members, my therapist, colleagues, peers, lawyers, accountants, and closest friends, what they thought about x.
In an age of Instagram philosophers and on-demand answers, it can be easy to forget to think for yourself.
The truth is, only you know in your heart what you need and want to do.
While others’ opinions may be valid, they can come out of left field.
You also don’t want to fall victim to consulting only “yes” men and women who will tell you what you want to hear.
For example, my parents are the worst people to consult about financial advice.
They have experienced scarcity, and as a result will always choose a safe, risk-averse path because it coincides with their traditional, conservative values. There’s nothing wrong with this approach, but it doesn’t always align with my goals.
Do I value their opinion and advice? Yes.
Does it come unsolicited? Yes.
Does it come from a place of worry and fear? Yes, because they love me and only want what’s best for me and don't wish to see me suffer.
The same goes for relationship or business or career advice.
If you’re at a crossroads about what to do, then you may have rationalized or normalized the hell out of something that, once upon a time may have felt good and right, but doesn’t anymore.
Because of love or security or time or whatever it was that held you tight, you stayed or stuck with the status quo.
Simply acknowledging these feelings is growth, baby.
Having the courage to act is growth.
Seeking advice from your family members is important, but it could just as well be like seeking advice from random older or younger people who are stuck in their own mud.
When I asked people about whether I should sell my company, many people, including my partner and fellow entrepreneurs, told me not to do it.
But, like, I had bills to pay and credit card debt to crush. I founded the company and had 100% equity, hence my decision was all mine.
Most importantly, I wanted cash in the bank for personal financial goals. I decided to sell and never looked back.
Going back to the song.
If you read or listen carefully to the lyrics, they’re quite prescient.
Harlow provides examples of his experience from life to career achievements as a way to combat unsolicited advice. Here are some excerpts:
“Have you ever raised the value of everyone around you?
…Have you ever been to Italy and eaten Italian?
…Have you been to Montana and seen the mountains?
…Have you ever looked around and felt a profound sense of pride?
…Have you ever had to hide where exactly you reside?
…Have you been to the Waffle House on Northside?
…Have you hugged someone and they cried?
…Have you had your heroes sit you down and give you the guide?
…Have you ever spoken something into existence
Or do you just talk about other people's lives?
…All this unsolicited advice
From the guys gettin' booked for a quarter of my price
…I lost the desire for bein' intimate at the end of my nights
I can do that at the end of my life
You know the phrase is "Business before pleasure"
'Cause I'm bankin' on it bringin' me more pleasure
The pressure makes diamonds, and diamonds make more pressure…”
6 things to remember about people who give you advice (unsolicited or not):
When I was a content manager at a prominent late-stage investment robo-advice startup, I tried hard to prevent our content from sounding too lecture-y, because no one wants to be lectured at or shamed.
What’s ironic is that I also dispense lifestyle and work advice in this newsletter for you to read at your leisure. You may agree or/to disagree or feel all sorts of feels.
When you are researching for and seeking advice, my advice is to remember 6 things about the source of said advice:
They’re not you and haven’t lived your life
They don’t know your full financial situation
They don’t know the (often ugly) details of the work you’ve put in and what you’ve been through
They may not be as intelligent as you (in either IQ or EQ)
They come with a system of values as a result of their traditions/cultures/morals/travel/life experiences
Ask yourself whether they have built what you would deem a “successful” career, business, or relationship
Ultimately, people are always going to cast judgment and give you advice—when you want it or not. Knowing how to react and follow through is the best response.
How do you counter unsolicited advice?
Reply to this newsletter or comment below! I’d love to hear it all!
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Until next time,
Shindy
On Instagram + TikTok
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