I have a scary story to tell you
My spooky movie and TV picks this Halloween, and my visit to a putridarium
I looooooove scary movies. Like, love love love them.
Every spooky season, and even outside of spooky season — I’m always up for anything that will make me cover my eyes in anticipation of something that will jump out, or someone who’s about to meet their maker.
Horror movies, for me, are the ultimate test for filmmakers because they’re forced to create an alternate reality without the risk of looking totally silly.
I suppose they’re the true definition of escapism from the outside world – which as we all know can be pretty fucking terrifying, too.
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There are so many horror films and endless subgenres within the genre: suspense, gore, campy, comedy, supernatural, situational (think ‘Final Destination’), crime, zombies, ghosts, monsters, aliens, vampires, werewolves, and psychological thrillers … I wouldn’t say I have a preference outside of just being given a good story, paired with crafty filmmaking.
Bonus points if the film is also terrifying, unsettling, and convincing. And even more bonus points if it achieves all of this on a low budget, and feels like it could really happen.
If you’re looking for Halloween entertainment, then may I suggest any of the following. Some I’ve recently re-watched, others are just oldies but goodies.
Here’s what to watch this Halloween:
Binge-watching a franchise or series
Scary, supernatural: Hellraiser
Pinhead and his gang of cenobytes are the stuff of graphic, gory, and violent nightmares, with a dash of sci-fi and the sadistic supernatural. The original can’t be beat; the latest one in 2022 is also a pretty fun one (albeit with several loopholes).
Anything in ‘The Conjuring’ universe
The original Conjuring and The Nun are my faves, but you can generally get some good scares out of Annabelle and other movies in the collection.
Family friendly: Stranger Things, anything ‘Mike Flanagan’ (anything ‘horror’ on Netflix, really)
Stranger Things speaks for itself, and anything in Mike Flanagan’s Netflix catalog, i.e., ‘House on Haunted Hill,’ ‘Midnight Mass,’ and the latest ‘House of the Fall of Usher’ generally weave together some type of period drama and cinematography that competently set the tone.
The gory, suspense, and crime pick: Saw
I’ll admit I haven’t seen any other Saw films except the first and the last Saw X (which is pretty stellar). If you’re into good stories and characters mixed in with a few moral lessons, then Saw’s for you.
Mixing it up: American Horror Story
People forget about the anthology-style American Horror Story maybe because it’s a primetime cable thing. But AHS offers cleverly crafted seasons and fandom (e.g., love to see recurring actors like Evan Peters, Taissa Farmigia, and Sarah Paulson). You can find a ranking of the series here. I’m watching ‘Roanoke’ next.
One and done:
Classic + campy: Phantasm
I just watched the remastered version of Phantasm from 1979 and it’s everything I didn’t know it could be: cheesy, creepy, and tons of fun:
Classic + creepy: The Omen
There’s no humor, no amusing subplots, just plain terror mixed in with the possibility of the devil in human form. Fun!
Modern scare bordering on campy: Barbarian
Strangers in an AirBnb uncover something more sinister … mindless, entertaining, scary, and worth a watch:
The original + sequel, too:
The indie pick: X + Pearl
If you’re into something a little off the beaten path, then try this combo which is a perfect mix of gory, sleazy, and a little disturbing, too:
The gory, scary, campy pick: Terrifier + Terrifier 2
Terrifier is gory, violent, and kind of believable in that a psychotic, murderous clown could run amuck. Now, whether his spirit returns is debatable (heads up that the sequel has a runtime of almost 2.5 hours):
Oldies but goodies
Of course I would be remiss to mention oldies like ‘The Ring,’ ‘The Grudge,’ and popular franchises like ‘Nightmare on Elm Street,’ ‘Friday the 13th,’ and ‘Halloween’ — all of which are of course worth watching (except for ‘Jason Goes to Hell,’ because that was just awful) but I haven’t watched them in full in a while.
I have a scary story to tell you
Back in 2017, I traveled Italy by boat with a group of friends and did the whole shebang: Amalfi, Positano, Ravello, Sorrento, Salerno, Capri, Procida, and Ischia.
On the latter stop, we visited the towering Castelle Aragonese d’Ischia (Aragonese Castle), which is notable in that it’s built on top of a rock.
The structure is breathtakingly beautiful and is as spectacular as when you first visit the Mont St. Michel in France.
The castle also houses a monastery, where in 1577, the ‘Poor Clare’ nuns arrived. But underneath it all, lies a creepy dungeon-like room.
Upon their death, the nun’s bodies were moved to a “putridarium” or an exposed cemetery of stone thrones resembling toilets, lined up next to each other.
You see, after you died, your body would be placed on top of these toilets to do its mummifying thing; your cadaveric liquids and remains would slowly drip, drip, drip out of you and into a collection pot.
After your flesh and body dried out completely, your bones would then be washed and transferred to an ossuary, a bone collection room (think French catacombs).
I don’t know what’s worse: Dying, or shitting out your remains after you’ve died, while your lifeless body is propped on top of a cold stone toilet.
Religion makes us do funny things, am I right?
Apparently the process of decaying flesh eventually liberated the bones, which were the ultimate symbol of purity.
But as if all this wasn’t enough, the nuns visited and prayed daily alongside their friend’s decomposing corpses.
Being exposed to such an unhealthy environment — bacteria and rotting flesh and all — also likely made them ill and kept those thrones a turning.
Just remember this next time you’re sitting on the toilet.
And Happy Halloween! What are you going as? Tell me!
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Until next time,
Shindy
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